1. Mindset Article: Can You Silence Your Critics?

2. Announcement: A new survey form is available on our site

3. Error Correction: The Science of Getting Rich Network

4. Pre-Christmas Gift

5. Upcoming Event: The World Internet Summit

6. Upcoming Event: The Enlightened Millionaire Retreat

Can You Silence Your Critics?

My friend Rita called me last week to discuss an experience that caused her to rethink her responses to critical people.

Two months ago, Rita met a man named Gerard at a breakfast networking meeting, and they exchanged business cards. Rita had been impressed by Gerard's extensive business background and was also delighted to learn that they shared an interest in psychology. So when he called and invited her for coffee, she looked forward to an interesting morning.

They met at a local coffee shop, ordered drinks and began the process of getting to know each other. But after fifteen minutes or so, Rita noticed that she was starting to feel uncomfortable. It was not so much that Gerard took control of the conversation and spent much of the time talking about his accomplishments; Rita had been around a number of men who behaved this way and found it mildly amusing. It was the fact that the few times Gerard asked her a question about herself, he would smugly criticize her answer. Within a short time, he was making observations about her personality and her life choices that implied she had major problems to deal with, problems which he'd experienced in the past but had, of course, resolved very rapidly.

Rita only became aware of what was happening when Gerard was distracted by a mobile phone call, giving her a moment to collect her wits. She decided that she wouldn't let him get away with placing her in a one-down position, and began challenging his assumptions about her whenever they came up. Not that it gave her much satisfaction. Gerard would just change the subject, then happily find another point to criticize within the next few minutes. Half an hour later, Rita was exhausted. She felt like she'd been swimming upstream – in mud. She made her excuses and left him at the coffee shop, going home with a shakier self-image than the one she woke up with that morning.

The truth was that Rita was more than a little stung by Gerard's words. The part of her that believed her achievements were just a smokescreen to hide her inadequacies took his words to heart. Maybe she hadn't come as far as she'd thought. Maybe her accomplishments weren't worth that much after all. Rita took some time out to work through her emotions, aiming to put the morning's events back into perspective.

She realized that Gerard had his own reasons for portraying her as less than she was. Perhaps by projecting his former problems onto her, Gerard was able to congratulate himself for having left them behind. She speculated that maybe this was Gerard's way of making himself feel good, admittedly at her expense. It might also be a way of impressing her, but in that case, it had definitely backfired.

But then she realized something important. Gerard's motives had nothing to do with her. 99% of what he said was pure projection, because in reality he didn't know her at all.

Rita's moments of self-doubt are very common. As children, we form our self-images based on how the powerful people in our lives see us. If your mother thinks you're intelligent, or, conversely, believes that you're not very bright, you'll eventually see yourself that way. Whether your father finds you a delight or a nuisance, you'll give yourself that same label.

What was your childhood label? Were you told that you were pretty, smart, talented, troublesome, annoying, ugly or stupid? Did you surmise from the way people treated you that you were treasured, appreciated, tolerated, not wanted or unlovable?

We've all learned at some stage to look at ourselves through other people's eyes. Gerard tapped into this mechanism when he relentlessly criticized Rita during their conversation.

Even though the adult, rational side of her knew that his words held no validity beyond being personal opinion, the child in her was affected. Luckily she had access to skills that helped her regain her perspective.

Do you have people in your life who put you down? Make fun of you? Belittle your efforts? Downplay your accomplishments?

There are several strategies for dealing with these people.

1. You can let them know that you're drawing the line - that you will no longer accept such comments or behavior from them.
   
   
2. You can break off or curtail contact with them, perhaps telling them why. Or perhaps not.
   
   
3. You can write them a letter explaining how you feel when they make critical statements.
   
   Be sure to state your case in terms of your responses. Say
   “When you say (I'm lazy), then I feel (hurt)…"
   
   ...as opposed to attacking their behavior by stating:
   
   "You always (nag me)…"
   "You never (say anything encouraging)…"
   
   In other words, use sentences starting with "I" rather than "you".
   
   
4. You can anchor strong feelings of self-confidence to the sight of their faces.
   
   
5. You can plan a pattern interrupt – a distracting action to perform whenever they begin this behavior. For some people it can be as simple as leaving the room when the criticism starts.
   
   Or you make a dramatic gesture such as placing your hands over your ears, explaining that you make it a practice not to listen to negative comments about yourself.
   
   When your critics start carping, you can interrupt them by saying,
   “Oh, is this going to be a negative comment about me?”
   Then put your hands over your ears and say with a smile, “Okay. Go Ahead!”
   
   

   If the situation calls for it (and you think you can pull it off), you can take drastic action, like pouring a glass of water over someone's head. Then explain politely, “Oh, I always do that when people criticize me! Don't take it personally. It's just a reflex!”
   
   

We have another gift for our subscribers this month in the form of a set of Daily Actions prompt cards. You can access them by downloading them in e-book form or via a Word document.

Each card features an action step you can take to get you closer to your dreams and goals.

The links for downloading the prompt cards are at:

http://www.atiproductions.australia.ms/cards.html

Robert Allen and Mark Victor Hansen are running their bi-annual Enlightened Millionaire Retreat on January 22-25, 2004. If you're one of their Diamond Mine subscribers, the event is free! This might be the time to become a subscriber if you've been considering it but haven't yet made the commitment. The enrolment deadline for the retreat is December 8.

Robert and Mark are two of my favorite authors. If you haven't yet purchased their bestseller, The One Minute Millionaire, do yourself a favor and buy it for yourself as a Christmas present.

Their web site is located at

http://www.oneminutemillionaire.com

You can reach us any time at

admin@hidden-wealth-keys.com